


Courage Found

by GillianInOz



Series: The Full Value of a Joy [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 05:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20501978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GillianInOz/pseuds/GillianInOz
Summary: Rodney has to find his courage. Ronon helps a little bit.





	Courage Found

“So Amma is taking the day off, even though I practically had to force her out the door,” John said, shaking out a folded towel before rolling it neatly and stowing it in a bag. “I have towels, sun screen, water, spare clothes, and I’m picking up our packed lunch from the mess on the way to the jumper bay. Fried chicken,” he said with a grin, zipping the bag closed.

Rodney shifted from foot to foot. “Sounds good,” he said. “Uh, the thing is…”

John frowned, shooting a glance at Aran who was sitting in his play pen, building a tower out of wooden bricks. “What?”

“Well, much as I’ve been looking forward to sitting on the beach getting bitten by sand fleas and exposing myself to UV rays,” Rodney began.

John’s mouth turned down. “You’re not coming,” he said flatly.

“I just, there’s a few things I really need to work on, and I don’t want to stop in the middle of my thought process. You know how I am.”

“Yeah,” John said evenly. “I know how you are.”

“Maybe next Sunday,” Rodney said, but John had already turned away and unzipped the bag, staring down at its contents. “John?”

“Sure,” John said, and Rodney turned and fled, not wanting to see the expression on John’s face. Or maybe not wanting John to see the expression on his.

:: :: ::

“Is that what you are wearing to the beach?” Teyla said as she strolled by, Torren walking beside her. The toddler carried a bantos rod in each hand and was waving them about in a dangerous manner.

Rodney just smiled and hurried by.

“Don’t forget the sunscreen,” Colonel Lorne said, hauling an easel and a satchel full of painting supplies past him.

“I won’t,” Rodney said, his smile starting to slip.

“I hear you guys scored fried chicken for lunch,” Keller said, walking by hand in hand with Professor Khan.

“Lucky us,” Rodney said shrilly, ignoring her quizzical look. He dodged out onto the nearest balcony and sighed in relief at finally being alone.

“Thought you were going to the beach?”

Rodney jumped and spun around. Ronon was sitting cross legged, leaning back against the wall, a whittling knife and a piece of wood at his feet.

“Is there some kind of memo going around with my schedule on it?” Rodney snapped. 

Ronon shrugged, dusting wood chips off his pants. He rolled easily to his feet and joined Rodney at the railing. “You breaking up with Sheppard?

“What?” Rodney turned a shocked look on him. “No. Why would you ask that?”

“Just that he’s been talking all week about this picnic on the beach, just you and Aran. Now you’re standing him up.”

“I’m not standing him up,” Rodney said defensively. “I’m just a very busy man with many people relying on me, and sometimes things just crop up unexpectedly… Why am I explaining myself to you anyway?”

Ronon glanced at him. “I don’t know. Because you feel guilty?”

Rodney gritted his teeth. “Why would I feel guilty, I haven’t done anything wrong. Anyway, this is none of your business. I’m a big boy, I can sort out my relationship problems all by myself.”

Ronon nodded. “So there is a problem.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Is it Aran?

Rodney froze, eyes widening. “What?” he stuttered. “Why would you say that? Did Sheppard say that?”

“Nope. Just thought since that’s the only thing that’s changed lately, he must be the reason.”

“Well he’s not.”

“I thought maybe it bothered you. That Sheppard had a kid with someone else.”

“As opposed to having one with me you mean?” Rodney said sarcastically. “It’s not like he had sex with her, so why would that bother me?”

Ronon shrugged. “I didn’t think it would. Especially since you pretty much told him to keep Aran. Didn’t think you’d do that if you were jealous.”

“I didn’t tell him to keep Aran,” Rodney denied.

Ronon turned and leaned back against the railing, crossing his arms. “You kinda did,” he said. “If you’d pushed, he probably would have sent him back to Earth.”

“That’s crazy. As if I have that much influence on anyone. Anyway, I suggested that,” Rodney said defensively. “I even told him I’d ask Jeanie and Kaleb to take him.”

“And then you told him to go see Aran, fixed up his place, built the little unit so Aran could sleep, and told Sheppard to keep his son.”

Rodney opened his mouth to hotly deny every charge, then blew out an exasperated breath. “Well, good for me,” he said bitterly. “Apparently even I’m not asshole enough to tell my lover to dump his only child. Maybe there’s some kind of an award for that.” 

“But you could have,” Ronon said insistently. “Before Sheppard fell in love with the kid. You could have but you didn’t, and now you’re pushing him away. I just wonder why, that’s all.”

Rodney rubbed wearily at his face. “I’m so emotionally retarded that Conan the Barbarian is giving me relationship advice.”

Ronon smirked. “Not advice. Just a question. Do you want Sheppard to choose between the two of you?”

“Why? Do you think he’d choose me?” Rodney sneered.

Ronon appeared to weigh that up. “I think it would really hurt him if he had to make that choice.”

“Well he doesn’t have to,” Rodney said, genuinely appalled. “I would never… could never… Jees, Ronon, that’s some opinion you have of me.”

“Pull away slowly or quickly, you’re still pulling away. Still hurting him.” Ronon met his gaze squarely. “So tell me why.”

Rodney stared at him, mouth working. “I’m not… I don’t want to hurt him. I really don’t,” he said finally. “I just know I’m going to mess this up, so why drag it out? You know?”

Ronon only lifted a brow.

“Well come on,” Rodney appealed. “Everyone always knew I was going to mess this up, god knows, I’ve screwed up every single relationship in my entire life. But I thought, what the hell, you know? It’s Pegasus, we could die tomorrow in a hundred horrible ways, so why not enjoy some romance and torrid sex with a hot military guy? I never expected all this. Picnics on the beach and a nanny and domestic bliss. D’you see?”

Ronon was staring at him quizzically. “I think I do see,” he said slowly. “Which should probably worry me. This has all suddenly become real, and you’re running rather than deal with it.”

Rodney wished he could deny it. “Clearly you see right through me,” he said, rubbing absently at the ache in his chest. “I’m a complete coward.”

“It’s not cowardly to be afraid.”

“Says the man not afraid of anything.”

Ronon snorted. “Not afraid to die,” he said shortly. “Not afraid to fight. Not afraid of pain. But I’ve been afraid. Coming to Atlantis, coming back to life. Caring for people again. That’s fear. That’s pain, almost as bad as losing it all in the first place.”

Rodney stared at him, stunned at the uncharacteristic flow of words. “How did you do it?” he whispered. “How did you let yourself do that?”

Ronon gazed out at the endless blue sky and ocean surrounding them. “I just remembered what it was like to be alone. Not to have people who cared about me, people I cared about.” He slanted Rodney a glance. “Remember what that felt like?”

Rodney nodded mutely.

“Me too. It sucked.”

Rodney nodded again. It had sucked.

“So I took a chance. Almost didn’t, almost ran again.”

“What if I screw up?” Rodney blurted out.

“The you’ll fix it and try again. That’s what you do, isn’t?”

“It’s just, I don’t know what to do and I hate not knowing what to do. There’s no map for this, no plan, no schematic. What do I do?”

“What do you want to do? What do you want, McKay?”

“I want him,” Rodney said. 

Ronon grinned and pushed away from the rail. He slapped Rodney on the back. “Then you know what to do.” 

:: :: :: 

John was sitting on the side of the bed, the bag still open on the chest of drawers, Aran still in his playpen, now industriously banging away on his drum.

“Still haven’t punched Lorne in the neck over that damned drum,” Rodney said.

John stiffened but didn’t look at him.

Rodney took a deep breath, then clapped his hands together. “Well, we getting this show on the road or not?”

Now John did turn, rising to his feet and staring. Rodney looked back at him self consciously. Maybe he’d gone a bit over the top on the beach wear, but he’d been trying to make a point. Long baggy shorts, a t shirt, a voluminous overshirt, a floppy straw hat and a neat line of pink zinc cream across his nose.

John’s lips curved in a small smile. “That what you’re wearing to work these days?” he asked quietly.

Rodney looked down at his feet, encased in pristine white sand shoes. “Too formal?”

John took him by the shoulders and rested his forehead on Rodney’s brow.

“Thanks,” he murmured.

“I’m sorry.” Rodney looked into his eyes. “I just panic now and then, you know.”

“Yeah,” John said. “I know. But it’s gonna be okay, I promise.You and me. And Aran.”

“I know,” Rodney said, trying not to sound uncertain. “But in the unlikely event that’s it’s not, that he, you know, doesn’t like me. We’ll figure something out, okay?”

John’s hazel eyes cleared, and he huffed out a relieved chuckle. “Is that what’s worrying you?” he said fondly. He gave Rodney a quick, hard kiss. “Well don’t. Aran’s gonna love you, McKay. Know how I know?” He smiled that cocky grin that both infuriated Rodney and made him fall in love a little more every time he saw it. “Cos I do.” 

John pulled away, shaking his head, but, Rodney tugged him back, held his gaze. “I love you too,” he said seriously. 

John’s smile wavered a little and Rodney’s heart clutched, but then those beloved hazel eyes grew soft and Rodney couldn’t help but kiss him. “I love you,” Rodney repeated, and it wasn’t the set-up for a punchline any more. It was the beginning of courage found, and Rodney thought it was maybe the bravest thing he’d ever done.

Now they were forehead to forehead again, panting a little after a long kiss. “I love you too,” John whispered, and Rodney thought that they were both pretty brave.


End file.
